Thursday, October 21, 2010

Stone Cold Bitch

I think it’s interesting to see people who don’t feel appropriately. I relate to that, because sometimes I don’t feel anything at all for things I’m supposed to and other times, I feel too much for things I probably shouldn't. I've been called many things in my twenty years of living, ranging from sweet to heartless and everything in between. And I honestly believe it comes from how I was raised. I was raised in a rather unconventional home, a loving home, just a little weird most of the time.
A little background:
Most little girls grow up hero worshiping their fathers, and I was no exception. The only difference was that my dad could beat up your dad, and probably had if they grew up together. I was taught to stick up for myself, like most kids, taught to shoot, like most kids raised in the south, but I was also taught not to fear anyone or anything. Now, I have my fears, like log trucks and public speaking, but most people don't intimidate me. The scariest person I have ever met is my father, and I doubt anything will ever change that. He taught me to fight, not just how to throw a punch, but how to protect myself in a fight, how to see an opening for a quick fist, and how to use a knife. I've never stabbed anyone, other than a cousin(he deserved it, I promise), but I know how to handle a knife if I ever have to do so. He taught me not trust anyone who wasn't family, but especially not to trust anyone with my heart, which I of course ignored until I had my heart broken the first time and then all his lessons made sense. He was a terrible teacher, he has a temper of a rattlesnake, and was just as quick to strike, not physically but verbally.
When he wasn't trying to teach me anything and I was being good(I was a handful, have no doubt) I was showered with affection, I'm not one of those kids who grew up emotionally stunted because I was neglected or anything. It was more of a choice for me. I had my heartbroken by my first love when I was 15, and made the choice that I would never again let anyone have that kind of power over me again. And it's worked for the most part. I do all the heartbreaking in my relationships, I keep my distance emotionally from men. And I guess it's that wanting what you can't have thing, but it ends up making them fall even harder, and makes me look even more like a cold hearted bitch.
One thing I have never done, is close myself off to the possibility of being happy. If the right one ever comes along, I'm game. If my mountain boy ever decides to stick around, I'm game. I just don't understand the people like me, emotionally closed off, that refuse to open up to someone who has proven time and time again that they aren't going to hurt them. I understand if you just don't have interest in that person, but if you've shown time and time again that you do, what the fuck? Seriously, I understand how fun the game is to play with people, I do it. But never have I ruined someone's life with lie after lie after lie. It's stupid and possibly the most narcissistic thing anyone could ever do. I've come to learn that a person like this should never be trusted, with anything, but especially not someone's love. That person's entire life is nothing but a giant con. 

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