Friday, December 31, 2010

One single day changed who I was.

She said, "Pull the trigger. We'll make a game out of this"

There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head. And you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile, and their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you and you don’t want to let go even though you know it’s just an illusion. Every time your phone rings, you smile because you hope it’s them that’s calling. Every time you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh, but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want is to go back in time. not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know. You put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts become invisible. It’s still there, but no one knows. Like a love letter you didn’t show. And you’re hurting no one but yourself.

She's not like that now. She knows better. She knows now that people lie , and promises can be broken as quick as they are made. She understands that she might never be loved , and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them. She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for awhile, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best. You can't always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend. Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Over time, certain things no longer have an affect on you. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner.

There is always gonna be that one person, the one who got away, the one who fucked you up, the one who broke your heart, the one you swore you would love forever. That person, who becomes not even a person at some point, but becomes this overwhelming being, this sense of loss that you carry with you. 

My feelings just changed. I had been waiting for you to realize you couldn't go another day without me. I had played out every excuse you could of had for putting all that time between us. Missing you had become second nature to me. And somewhere in the last year, when I never got that phone call, and you never showed up at my window, and we never ran into each other, I just stopped feeling like I needed you so much.

Life is simple; you're just making it complicated.
You're born a nobody, so live fast & die a somebody.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mad as a Hatter

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life, wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do, I'm sorry I just can't help myself, I fell in love with you.

We had the right love at the wrong time. Guess I always knew inside I wouldn't have you for a long time.

A part of me wants to erase you from my past, but a part of me still wants you in my future.

You have this way of meaning everything and nothing to me at the same time

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction.

If it's addiction you want, well you've got it. They don't come no more addicted than me. A couple pills to help me think, then pour some whiskey in my drink and I'll pray you're the one that keeps me from my dreams. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I haven't seen you, feels like a long time. Sometimes it hurts, but I always get by. Still get a piece of you under my skin. It's always there no matter where I've been

Sunday, December 5, 2010

These Delusions Are All I Have

Ready for a job.
Ready for a boy.
Ready to start exploring the mountains.
Ready to sleep on a regular schedule again.
Ready to get over the Okie once and for all.
Ready to feel something besides this apathy.
Ready Ready Ready Ready Ready

I wish that I had never met you, then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need to loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain and tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing. - But then again, I'm glad I did meet you. 'Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who loved me for me. The one who cared when everyone else didn't. The one who listened. The one who stayed up late just to talk about the randomest shit ever. You were the one who I told secrets to. The one who taught me new things. The one who laughed at my bad jokes. The one who did things, just for me.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don't care at all anymore. I just am so sick and tired of needing you in my life, knowing that you only make me sad.

Why couldn't I just hold onto you? Wasn't I strong enough? Or was the pull that keeps you moving just too strong? Was I not good enough? Or was the place you were headed just too good to pass up? Did I not love you enough? Or did you love someone else too much? For the last 3 1/2 years of my life I've done nothing but love you and miss you and want you in my life, but it never lasts more than a few weeks before you're gone again. I was so ready, so content with never seeing you again after I left home, but then... then you had to go and tell me you were gonna come see me. I didn't believe you, and you knew it, so you promised. Well? Where the fuck are you? You told me you had everything you needed, your Momma, your pet rat, your best friend, and me. And that you weren't looking for anything else to have in your life. And I laughed and you got mad, and again, you promised. I just don't fucking understand why you had to make those promises. There was no need if they weren't true. I love you, you know that. I didn't need you to tell me lies for me to let you in my bed, you were already there. So, was it all lies? Or where they just things that you felt obligated to say? I just don't understand....