Sunday, December 5, 2010

These Delusions Are All I Have

Ready for a job.
Ready for a boy.
Ready to start exploring the mountains.
Ready to sleep on a regular schedule again.
Ready to get over the Okie once and for all.
Ready to feel something besides this apathy.
Ready Ready Ready Ready Ready

I wish that I had never met you, then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need to loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain and tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing. - But then again, I'm glad I did meet you. 'Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who loved me for me. The one who cared when everyone else didn't. The one who listened. The one who stayed up late just to talk about the randomest shit ever. You were the one who I told secrets to. The one who taught me new things. The one who laughed at my bad jokes. The one who did things, just for me.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don't care at all anymore. I just am so sick and tired of needing you in my life, knowing that you only make me sad.

Why couldn't I just hold onto you? Wasn't I strong enough? Or was the pull that keeps you moving just too strong? Was I not good enough? Or was the place you were headed just too good to pass up? Did I not love you enough? Or did you love someone else too much? For the last 3 1/2 years of my life I've done nothing but love you and miss you and want you in my life, but it never lasts more than a few weeks before you're gone again. I was so ready, so content with never seeing you again after I left home, but then... then you had to go and tell me you were gonna come see me. I didn't believe you, and you knew it, so you promised. Well? Where the fuck are you? You told me you had everything you needed, your Momma, your pet rat, your best friend, and me. And that you weren't looking for anything else to have in your life. And I laughed and you got mad, and again, you promised. I just don't fucking understand why you had to make those promises. There was no need if they weren't true. I love you, you know that. I didn't need you to tell me lies for me to let you in my bed, you were already there. So, was it all lies? Or where they just things that you felt obligated to say? I just don't understand....

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