Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ain't nothin' like you

I find more comfort in alcohol than I ever found in you. Learned that I don't even like the radio anymore; too many songs remind me of you.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders.

Each relationship between two people is absolutely unique. That is why you can't love two people the same. It simply is not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you

You're like my first bad habit, I can't live without it. I can't give you up. And even though you're trouble, I come back for double. I can't say enough is enough.

It’s lonely nights like these with nothing left in me but memories that make me realize how much I really miss you.

I think a part of me will always be waiting for you

This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yea, still good

Which would be worse? To live as a monster? Or die as a good man?

I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

Whoever it is you fall in love with for the first time, not just love but be in love with, is the one who will always make you angry, the one you can’t be logical about

I have loved the stars too much to be afraid of the night

I found everything I could ever want wrapped up in someone I could never have

I drink too much and smoke too fast, when you're young everything is about having fun

It's all in the details, and my details are something else

Monday, October 25, 2010


So a friend of mine from back home, who is a total movie buff told me I need to go watch a movie called Catfish. And I did. And holy shit, it was amazing. It's a documentary about a photographer from New York city. He's an amazing artist. Well, one day in the mail he gets a painting of one of his published pieces. The painting was done by an 8 year old girl named Abby. So the photographer starts a facebook relationship with the girls family. He talks to her mom and sister on the phone frequently and sends Abby more photos for her to paint. He continues to receive paintings in the mail, and begins to get to know the family more. He eventually starts up a long distance relationship of sorts with the older sister who is like 19 or 20. They keep trying to set up meetings(the family lives in Michigan), but they always fall through. The photographer and his brother(the guy filming all this) find out through complete chance that something isn't quite right. They realize they've never spoken with Abby, and that alot of the things they've been told are lies. So they set off to surprise the family and show up at their home. They uncover all sorts of crazy shit once they're there. And it is an absolutely amazing movie. I recommend it to everyone!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Stone Cold Bitch

I think it’s interesting to see people who don’t feel appropriately. I relate to that, because sometimes I don’t feel anything at all for things I’m supposed to and other times, I feel too much for things I probably shouldn't. I've been called many things in my twenty years of living, ranging from sweet to heartless and everything in between. And I honestly believe it comes from how I was raised. I was raised in a rather unconventional home, a loving home, just a little weird most of the time.
A little background:
Most little girls grow up hero worshiping their fathers, and I was no exception. The only difference was that my dad could beat up your dad, and probably had if they grew up together. I was taught to stick up for myself, like most kids, taught to shoot, like most kids raised in the south, but I was also taught not to fear anyone or anything. Now, I have my fears, like log trucks and public speaking, but most people don't intimidate me. The scariest person I have ever met is my father, and I doubt anything will ever change that. He taught me to fight, not just how to throw a punch, but how to protect myself in a fight, how to see an opening for a quick fist, and how to use a knife. I've never stabbed anyone, other than a cousin(he deserved it, I promise), but I know how to handle a knife if I ever have to do so. He taught me not trust anyone who wasn't family, but especially not to trust anyone with my heart, which I of course ignored until I had my heart broken the first time and then all his lessons made sense. He was a terrible teacher, he has a temper of a rattlesnake, and was just as quick to strike, not physically but verbally.
When he wasn't trying to teach me anything and I was being good(I was a handful, have no doubt) I was showered with affection, I'm not one of those kids who grew up emotionally stunted because I was neglected or anything. It was more of a choice for me. I had my heartbroken by my first love when I was 15, and made the choice that I would never again let anyone have that kind of power over me again. And it's worked for the most part. I do all the heartbreaking in my relationships, I keep my distance emotionally from men. And I guess it's that wanting what you can't have thing, but it ends up making them fall even harder, and makes me look even more like a cold hearted bitch.
One thing I have never done, is close myself off to the possibility of being happy. If the right one ever comes along, I'm game. If my mountain boy ever decides to stick around, I'm game. I just don't understand the people like me, emotionally closed off, that refuse to open up to someone who has proven time and time again that they aren't going to hurt them. I understand if you just don't have interest in that person, but if you've shown time and time again that you do, what the fuck? Seriously, I understand how fun the game is to play with people, I do it. But never have I ruined someone's life with lie after lie after lie. It's stupid and possibly the most narcissistic thing anyone could ever do. I've come to learn that a person like this should never be trusted, with anything, but especially not someone's love. That person's entire life is nothing but a giant con. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

You can't go home high, no, not tonight

And these are the nights I get high just from breathing, when I speak to my mountain boy, I'm sure it's always been real. Oklahoma called. Of course he did. I had just decided to let go again. But now he's Coast Guard bound in about a month and a half. He says he's quiting his job in about two weeks and going traveling until he has to leave for basic. He promises to come visit either then or when he gets done with basic. We'll see. But he sang to me on the phone, and made me laugh for a good 10 minutes. He said everything right, just like he always does. And I've fallen again... to my demise, I'm sure. That's all I got, but I'm in a quote mood(of course, eh?), so here it goes....

 See you got me all alone, waiting right here by the phone for you to call me, just to hear your voice tone. I keep on wondering if you was even feeling me, I keep on wondering if this was even meant to be. Tell me Ima waste of time, boy. You showing me no sign, is it 'cause you on your grind? 'Cause you're always on my mind

Wounds heal faster if you don't risk constantly re-opening them.

Seriously, why aren't you in my bed right now?

I took a chance, I took a shot. You may think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not.

Seems like everytime you come back home it's just to steal my heart and leave

You said you'd always be there when I needed you, well, I'm screaming your name and where the fuck are you??

I spend my nights dead, face down on the floor, but the drugs aren't really working anymore. The nights are mostly just depressed from staring at my open chest. I'm bleeding and I'm heartless, but I'm your's

And I can't seem to get my head over you, you creep into everything I do. And now I'm dying to know how she touches you

I can still feel you close as skin, every now and then, all by myself, in a crowded room or an empty bed. There's a place in my heart that you've touched that no one gets close to. I can still feel you

We talked about old times and it made me smile, because you didn't forget

At the moment you left, my heart stopped. I can hardly tell if I'm alright.

I tried too hard, wanted too much. I guess that's why you're gone

And as I crawled into bed, I wondered why I wasn't already dead

I miss you. I do. I love you. Everyday I wake up and I have this ache in my chest. And sometimes I just sleep in because I know when I wake up, you're not going to be there

'Cause I'm the crazy bitch that's runnin' the game, 'cause I'm the crazy bitch that's callin your name, 'cause I'm the crazy bitch, I got no shame

I'd rather see you once a year than someone else 7 days a week

Maybe I'll run away, shoots some heroin, and fuck with the stars

Pacing floors and opening doors, hoping you'll walk through and save me, boy, because I'm still crazy over you.

And I say, baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely and I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me, and I thought maybe if you kissed the way you do, maybe you'd feel it too.

It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

You are my heroin, do you remember how much that shit made your veins itch??

I stopped looking for monsters under my bed, because I realized they were all inside of me

When in doubt, drink.

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and start being awesome instead. True story.

I'm going to spend my life with people who make me happy, not people I have to impress

As soon as you spoke to me, I felt I had known you all my life, and it frightened me. You were the person I was meant to love, from that moment to this, I have never been the same

I can make all the other boys and men blow up my phone, follow me around, or cry; but not you. Are you just different? Or smarter? Or know my tricks? Or.... do you just not care.