Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"Looking for a reason to stay"

Time to vent about a boy.

"Looking for a reason to stay"- A boy from Oklahoma once used that line on me, and it worked like a charm. I gave him every reason in the world to stay, but it wasn't enough. I'm not sure what would be enough for him, he's one of those people who doesn't like to be in one place too long. I fell in love with him the first time we spoke. We hung out all the time, talked on the phone for hours, and couldn't get enough of each other. And then one day he disappeared(which I would later learn, he is quiet famous for). One of my best friends at the time convinced me to come hangout with her boyfriend's brother. And I did. And we had a 'thing' for a minute. At the time, I had no idea, but my boy from Oklahoma was friends with this new found flame. Needless to say, that relationship soon exploded in several violent(on both sides) fights. My beloved Okie resurfaced about a week later, to tell me he was leaving in two weeks to go home. I was devastated. South Carolina and Oklahoma are a good 18 hour car ride from each other.
We kept in very sporadic touch for about a year. He would pop up on Myspace, or with a text, or a phone all every few months or weeks. And every time he did I fell again and again and again and again. One October day, I get a text from my Myspace telling me I have a new message from him. I immediately jumped on my phone's mobile web to read it. He had sent me his new number, with a note saying to text him. So, of course I did. His first text said he missed me and was coming back to SC in a few weeks. We kept up via text for a week or so, and then about the time he supposed to be coming back, he vanished. He, of course, never showed up. I was devastated. And so I decided to say fuck you, and moved on.
Well.... that worked, until an old mutual friend called me one night, but who was on the other end? Oklahoma. I was so excited I dropped everything to go see him. He was only in town for four days, and I saw him for three of those, pretty much non stop. We went out to bars and got drunk and talked about everything that went wrong. At one point he looked at me with the saddest eyes(which I now think I made up), and said, "This fuckin' sucks. I wish I had met you at a different point in my life. I love you, but we will never be able to be together." These words made me the happiest and saddest I had ever been in a single moment. So we both got wasted and never spoke of it again. He left and disappeared off and on again for about 9 months.
I was hanging out with all my closest friends one Saturday afternoon, and I got a random phone all from him telling me he was coming back the day after my birthday for two weeks. He told me to keep it a secret from all our old friends. So I did, and I tried not to get my hopes up. And he actually showed up, on time. We spent a good chunk of those two weeks together, but then I had to leave. I got to leave him for once, which felt both amazing and terrible at the same time. And so began my journey to Arizona, and brings us up to present day.
I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't heard from him in three weeks, and it's absolutely driving me insane. He's the only person I want to talk to. And I have no idea if he's dead, overseas(he had plans to go), out camping or rock climbing(he's an outdoors junkie), or just ignoring me. And it fuckin blows. And I'm not one of those people who likes to bring up my own emotional problems, I'd rather try and help with someone else's. I can't let go of my pride enough to ask for someone to listen, and besides everyone else's problems seem way more important than my stupid teenage love(probably completely made up inside my own head) drama. But writting all this out has made me feel better, atleast enough I can probably get to sleep before 4am. So goodnight all.


  1. Know that I love you, and I'm killing him... =)

  2. I know. And only if I can watch a video of it after he's dead.