Friday, December 31, 2010

One single day changed who I was.

She said, "Pull the trigger. We'll make a game out of this"

There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head. And you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile, and their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you and you don’t want to let go even though you know it’s just an illusion. Every time your phone rings, you smile because you hope it’s them that’s calling. Every time you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh, but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want is to go back in time. not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know. You put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts become invisible. It’s still there, but no one knows. Like a love letter you didn’t show. And you’re hurting no one but yourself.

She's not like that now. She knows better. She knows now that people lie , and promises can be broken as quick as they are made. She understands that she might never be loved , and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them. She knows that you can't change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn't a place for everyone in the world, so if you're standing alone for awhile, that's why. Not everything in life comes easy, but when you work the hardest, that's when it's the best. You can't always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don't think for one minute that they didn't already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend. Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not, its gonna hurt like hell. But you can't stop it. You can't change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge. You don't know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words 'Life' and 'Risk' won't mean anything to you anymore. But don't try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Over time, certain things no longer have an affect on you. And that happens because that's the way it supposed to be. But you'll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner.

There is always gonna be that one person, the one who got away, the one who fucked you up, the one who broke your heart, the one you swore you would love forever. That person, who becomes not even a person at some point, but becomes this overwhelming being, this sense of loss that you carry with you. 

My feelings just changed. I had been waiting for you to realize you couldn't go another day without me. I had played out every excuse you could of had for putting all that time between us. Missing you had become second nature to me. And somewhere in the last year, when I never got that phone call, and you never showed up at my window, and we never ran into each other, I just stopped feeling like I needed you so much.

Life is simple; you're just making it complicated.
You're born a nobody, so live fast & die a somebody.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mad as a Hatter

I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life, wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do, I'm sorry I just can't help myself, I fell in love with you.

We had the right love at the wrong time. Guess I always knew inside I wouldn't have you for a long time.

A part of me wants to erase you from my past, but a part of me still wants you in my future.

You have this way of meaning everything and nothing to me at the same time

My thoughts are free to go anywhere, but it's surprising how often they head in your direction.

If it's addiction you want, well you've got it. They don't come no more addicted than me. A couple pills to help me think, then pour some whiskey in my drink and I'll pray you're the one that keeps me from my dreams. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I haven't seen you, feels like a long time. Sometimes it hurts, but I always get by. Still get a piece of you under my skin. It's always there no matter where I've been

Sunday, December 5, 2010

These Delusions Are All I Have

Ready for a job.
Ready for a boy.
Ready to start exploring the mountains.
Ready to sleep on a regular schedule again.
Ready to get over the Okie once and for all.
Ready to feel something besides this apathy.
Ready Ready Ready Ready Ready

I wish that I had never met you, then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need to loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain and tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing. - But then again, I'm glad I did meet you. 'Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who loved me for me. The one who cared when everyone else didn't. The one who listened. The one who stayed up late just to talk about the randomest shit ever. You were the one who I told secrets to. The one who taught me new things. The one who laughed at my bad jokes. The one who did things, just for me.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don't care at all anymore. I just am so sick and tired of needing you in my life, knowing that you only make me sad.

Why couldn't I just hold onto you? Wasn't I strong enough? Or was the pull that keeps you moving just too strong? Was I not good enough? Or was the place you were headed just too good to pass up? Did I not love you enough? Or did you love someone else too much? For the last 3 1/2 years of my life I've done nothing but love you and miss you and want you in my life, but it never lasts more than a few weeks before you're gone again. I was so ready, so content with never seeing you again after I left home, but then... then you had to go and tell me you were gonna come see me. I didn't believe you, and you knew it, so you promised. Well? Where the fuck are you? You told me you had everything you needed, your Momma, your pet rat, your best friend, and me. And that you weren't looking for anything else to have in your life. And I laughed and you got mad, and again, you promised. I just don't fucking understand why you had to make those promises. There was no need if they weren't true. I love you, you know that. I didn't need you to tell me lies for me to let you in my bed, you were already there. So, was it all lies? Or where they just things that you felt obligated to say? I just don't understand....

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sift through the static

Just another bag of bones for the gods to sort.
Because I'm selfish enough to wanna get better
But I'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there
And when you realize it's a pattern
And not a phase
It's what you've become and it's what you will stay
That's ballgame

She's crossing out the details.
Dusting off the picture frames, it's saturday.
She's been waiting for the phone to ring.
She's been waiting all night.
But it doesn't matter who's on the line
As long as the voice works.
 A good man doesn't drink
And I've been drinking alone
So what does that make me?

The quiet can scrape
all the calm from your bones,
but maybe it should.
Maybe we need to be hollowed out

Friday, November 19, 2010

Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Colt Ford- Never Thought

Lord things have changed since we first met
We been down a long road that's filled with regret
It's hard to forget and even harder to forgive
Torn between love and what I need to live
Darling I wish I could be more than I am
Just and old cowboy and almost a broken man
But everything I love I lose
Bulls & broncs, broken bones & booze
Seemed to me the only way that I know
I've hit bottom baby girl nowhere else to go
It's hard to see right when all you've done is wrong
Hard to hang on when all you got is gone
This cowboy life gave me a heart of stone
This cowboy life tore up our home
This cowboy life is all I've ever known
This cowboy life has left me all alone

Never thought it would happen like this
Never thought it was you I'd miss
Came around and touched my soul
I put all my plans on hold
Everything is falling down
Thought you would have come around
Can't you see what's goin' on?
It's so hard to hang on

When I start to fall asleep
I think of how we used to be
You're in my heart you're in my soul
You're everything I've ever known
I think about you all the time
Don't you know that I'd give my life
To have you stand next to me
Right here by my side

Where did we go wrong? What did we do right?
Tell me it's alright to push our pride aside
Life without you ain't what I thought it would be
When you lying there with here do you ever wish it was me?
Can you forgive me for everything I did and didn't do?
Understand this way of life is all I ever knew
I was raised to be tough, keep my feelings inside
Never to back down, all you have is your pride
I know what it takes to cover the whole eight
But being a one woman man was never part of my plan
Life without love is just another sad song
Doin' all that I can but it's hard to hang on

All we have in life is love
But you never even gave me none
So now I'm standing on my own
Don't really care if you ever come home

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Show Me

I don't get attached. I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me you're not all the same. No, your words don't mean shit to me. No, I don't trust you. No, I don't believe you. Promises are nothing but empty words to me. I know I'm not your one and only so don't tell me I am. No, my smile doesn't make your day. No, my laughter isn't music to your ears. No, I'm not too good to be true, so start with the truth. If I'm what you want, show me why and show me often. Tell me you love me, but only if you mean it.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

What is there truly left to say?

All we ever had was all we'll ever be. This, like every relationship, had an expiration date, and I fully believe we have hit that date. It's a date like a due date, you know about when it's gonna happen, but you never really know until the moment is upon you, and then it hits you like a log truck. And leaves you either overjoyed or in lots of little splintery pieces. This is not one of those times it leaves you overjoyed and celebratory. It's one of those time when you struggle to fall asleep and then struggle just as much to get out of bed the next morning. Going to sleep is a chore, a chore plagued with nightmares and uneasy fantasies that are never quite "right." Waking up is a challenge, a choice to either pull the covers back over your head and allow yourself to live how you feel or to get up and put on that fake smile and fake that I don't give a damn attitude. So, you get up, eventually...
You're always tired, angry, bitter, and lonely; you're never really sure what you want to do; you're never eager about anything; you just exist. Existing is easy when everyone around you is absorbed in bigger problems than your own, its makes it easier to put on a smile, it's even easier when there are people relying on you to be the happy stable one. It still sucks though, never getting to be the one that pouts and gets away with it with out a lot of hassle. But you make due and keep busy with frivolous things, anything to keep your mind off that expired relationship. The relationship that sits in the back of your head like rotting fruit in the back of the fridge. You know it's there. You know it's gone bad. But you can't quite get around to throwing it out. It's seriously starting to stink up the place though, and I guess it's time to get rid of it.
So, I guess this is goodbye, my love. It's time to take out the garbage.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Wild Thing

Have you ever justed wanted to howl at the moon? Run around outside like a completely wild creature? I have. The urge overcomes me on a regular basis, usually late at night when everyone else in the house is asleep. That's one of the things I really miss about South Carolina, being able to just walk out my back door and into the woods. There was enough woods and land I could put on jeans, a hoodie, and boots at 2:30 in the morning and disappear for an hour making as much noise as I wanted and frolic in the forest. Living in a neighborhood is new to me, and you can't exactly go climb your neighbors wall and make creepy animal noises because you feel like it, ya know? Don't think I haven't thought about doing it anyways, but I don't think my best friend and her husband would be too happy about having reports of a strange animal living in their yard. So I guess I just keep it in, and try to find some new kind of outlet for my inner wild thing... maybe I should take up quilting.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ain't nothin' like you

I find more comfort in alcohol than I ever found in you. Learned that I don't even like the radio anymore; too many songs remind me of you.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind wanders.

Each relationship between two people is absolutely unique. That is why you can't love two people the same. It simply is not possible. You love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you

You're like my first bad habit, I can't live without it. I can't give you up. And even though you're trouble, I come back for double. I can't say enough is enough.

It’s lonely nights like these with nothing left in me but memories that make me realize how much I really miss you.

I think a part of me will always be waiting for you

This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's little and broken, but still good. Yea, still good

Which would be worse? To live as a monster? Or die as a good man?

I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

Whoever it is you fall in love with for the first time, not just love but be in love with, is the one who will always make you angry, the one you can’t be logical about

I have loved the stars too much to be afraid of the night

I found everything I could ever want wrapped up in someone I could never have

I drink too much and smoke too fast, when you're young everything is about having fun

It's all in the details, and my details are something else

Monday, October 25, 2010


So a friend of mine from back home, who is a total movie buff told me I need to go watch a movie called Catfish. And I did. And holy shit, it was amazing. It's a documentary about a photographer from New York city. He's an amazing artist. Well, one day in the mail he gets a painting of one of his published pieces. The painting was done by an 8 year old girl named Abby. So the photographer starts a facebook relationship with the girls family. He talks to her mom and sister on the phone frequently and sends Abby more photos for her to paint. He continues to receive paintings in the mail, and begins to get to know the family more. He eventually starts up a long distance relationship of sorts with the older sister who is like 19 or 20. They keep trying to set up meetings(the family lives in Michigan), but they always fall through. The photographer and his brother(the guy filming all this) find out through complete chance that something isn't quite right. They realize they've never spoken with Abby, and that alot of the things they've been told are lies. So they set off to surprise the family and show up at their home. They uncover all sorts of crazy shit once they're there. And it is an absolutely amazing movie. I recommend it to everyone!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Stone Cold Bitch

I think it’s interesting to see people who don’t feel appropriately. I relate to that, because sometimes I don’t feel anything at all for things I’m supposed to and other times, I feel too much for things I probably shouldn't. I've been called many things in my twenty years of living, ranging from sweet to heartless and everything in between. And I honestly believe it comes from how I was raised. I was raised in a rather unconventional home, a loving home, just a little weird most of the time.
A little background:
Most little girls grow up hero worshiping their fathers, and I was no exception. The only difference was that my dad could beat up your dad, and probably had if they grew up together. I was taught to stick up for myself, like most kids, taught to shoot, like most kids raised in the south, but I was also taught not to fear anyone or anything. Now, I have my fears, like log trucks and public speaking, but most people don't intimidate me. The scariest person I have ever met is my father, and I doubt anything will ever change that. He taught me to fight, not just how to throw a punch, but how to protect myself in a fight, how to see an opening for a quick fist, and how to use a knife. I've never stabbed anyone, other than a cousin(he deserved it, I promise), but I know how to handle a knife if I ever have to do so. He taught me not trust anyone who wasn't family, but especially not to trust anyone with my heart, which I of course ignored until I had my heart broken the first time and then all his lessons made sense. He was a terrible teacher, he has a temper of a rattlesnake, and was just as quick to strike, not physically but verbally.
When he wasn't trying to teach me anything and I was being good(I was a handful, have no doubt) I was showered with affection, I'm not one of those kids who grew up emotionally stunted because I was neglected or anything. It was more of a choice for me. I had my heartbroken by my first love when I was 15, and made the choice that I would never again let anyone have that kind of power over me again. And it's worked for the most part. I do all the heartbreaking in my relationships, I keep my distance emotionally from men. And I guess it's that wanting what you can't have thing, but it ends up making them fall even harder, and makes me look even more like a cold hearted bitch.
One thing I have never done, is close myself off to the possibility of being happy. If the right one ever comes along, I'm game. If my mountain boy ever decides to stick around, I'm game. I just don't understand the people like me, emotionally closed off, that refuse to open up to someone who has proven time and time again that they aren't going to hurt them. I understand if you just don't have interest in that person, but if you've shown time and time again that you do, what the fuck? Seriously, I understand how fun the game is to play with people, I do it. But never have I ruined someone's life with lie after lie after lie. It's stupid and possibly the most narcissistic thing anyone could ever do. I've come to learn that a person like this should never be trusted, with anything, but especially not someone's love. That person's entire life is nothing but a giant con. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

You can't go home high, no, not tonight

And these are the nights I get high just from breathing, when I speak to my mountain boy, I'm sure it's always been real. Oklahoma called. Of course he did. I had just decided to let go again. But now he's Coast Guard bound in about a month and a half. He says he's quiting his job in about two weeks and going traveling until he has to leave for basic. He promises to come visit either then or when he gets done with basic. We'll see. But he sang to me on the phone, and made me laugh for a good 10 minutes. He said everything right, just like he always does. And I've fallen again... to my demise, I'm sure. That's all I got, but I'm in a quote mood(of course, eh?), so here it goes....

 See you got me all alone, waiting right here by the phone for you to call me, just to hear your voice tone. I keep on wondering if you was even feeling me, I keep on wondering if this was even meant to be. Tell me Ima waste of time, boy. You showing me no sign, is it 'cause you on your grind? 'Cause you're always on my mind

Wounds heal faster if you don't risk constantly re-opening them.

Seriously, why aren't you in my bed right now?

I took a chance, I took a shot. You may think I'm bulletproof, but I'm not.

Seems like everytime you come back home it's just to steal my heart and leave

You said you'd always be there when I needed you, well, I'm screaming your name and where the fuck are you??

I spend my nights dead, face down on the floor, but the drugs aren't really working anymore. The nights are mostly just depressed from staring at my open chest. I'm bleeding and I'm heartless, but I'm your's

And I can't seem to get my head over you, you creep into everything I do. And now I'm dying to know how she touches you

I can still feel you close as skin, every now and then, all by myself, in a crowded room or an empty bed. There's a place in my heart that you've touched that no one gets close to. I can still feel you

We talked about old times and it made me smile, because you didn't forget

At the moment you left, my heart stopped. I can hardly tell if I'm alright.

I tried too hard, wanted too much. I guess that's why you're gone

And as I crawled into bed, I wondered why I wasn't already dead

I miss you. I do. I love you. Everyday I wake up and I have this ache in my chest. And sometimes I just sleep in because I know when I wake up, you're not going to be there

'Cause I'm the crazy bitch that's runnin' the game, 'cause I'm the crazy bitch that's callin your name, 'cause I'm the crazy bitch, I got no shame

I'd rather see you once a year than someone else 7 days a week

Maybe I'll run away, shoots some heroin, and fuck with the stars

Pacing floors and opening doors, hoping you'll walk through and save me, boy, because I'm still crazy over you.

And I say, baby, so I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely and I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me, and I thought maybe if you kissed the way you do, maybe you'd feel it too.

It's amazing the clarity that comes with psychotic jealousy.

You are my heroin, do you remember how much that shit made your veins itch??

I stopped looking for monsters under my bed, because I realized they were all inside of me

When in doubt, drink.

When I get sad, I stop being sad, and start being awesome instead. True story.

I'm going to spend my life with people who make me happy, not people I have to impress

As soon as you spoke to me, I felt I had known you all my life, and it frightened me. You were the person I was meant to love, from that moment to this, I have never been the same

I can make all the other boys and men blow up my phone, follow me around, or cry; but not you. Are you just different? Or smarter? Or know my tricks? Or.... do you just not care.