These Delusions Are All I Have

Ready for a job.
Ready for a boy.
Ready to start exploring the mountains.
Ready to sleep on a regular schedule again.
Ready to get over the Okie once and for all.
Ready to feel something besides this apathy.
Ready
Ready
Ready Ready Ready Ready Ready








I wish that I had never met you, then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need to loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain and tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing. - But then again, I'm glad I did meet you. 'Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who loved me for me. The one who cared when everyone else didn't. The one who listened. The one who stayed up late just to talk about the randomest shit ever. You were the one who I told secrets to. The one who taught me new things. The one who laughed at my bad jokes. The one who did things, just for me.






I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you. Without wondering why it is you don't care at all anymore. I just am so sick and tired of needing you in my life, knowing that you only make me sad.








Why couldn't I just hold onto you? Wasn't I strong enough? Or was the pull that keeps you moving just too strong? Was I not good enough? Or was the place you were headed just too good to pass up? Did I not love you enough? Or did you love someone else too much? For the last 3 1/2 years of my life I've done nothing but love you and miss you and want you in my life, but it never lasts more than a few weeks before you're gone again. I was so ready, so content with never seeing you again after I left home, but then... then you had to go and tell me you were gonna come see me. I didn't believe you, and you knew it, so you promised. Well? Where the fuck are you? You told me you had everything you needed, your Momma, your pet rat, your best friend, and me. And that you weren't looking for anything else to have in your life. And I laughed and you got mad, and again, you promised. I just don't fucking understand why you had to make those promises. There was no need if they weren't true. I love you, you know that. I didn't need you to tell me lies for me to let you in my bed, you were already there. So, was it all lies? Or where they just things that you felt obligated to say? I just don't understand....

Sift through the static

Just another bag of bones for the gods to sort.

Because I'm selfish enough to wanna get better

But I'm backwards enough not to take any steps to get there

And when you realize it's a pattern

And not a phase

It's what you've become and it's what you will stay

That's ballgame

She's crossing out the details.

Dusting off the picture frames, it's saturday.

She's been waiting for the phone to ring.

She's been waiting all night.

But it doesn't matter who's on the line

As long as the voice works.

 A good man doesn't drink

And I've been drinking alone

So what does that make me?

The quiet can scrape

all the calm from your bones,

but maybe it should.

Maybe we need to be hollowed out

Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Colt Ford- Never Thought


Lord things have changed since we first met
We been down a long road that's filled with regret
It's hard to forget and even harder to forgive
Torn between love and what I need to live
Darling I wish I could be more than I am
Just and old cowboy and almost a broken man
But everything I love I lose
Bulls & broncs, broken bones & booze
Seemed to me the only way that I know
I've hit bottom baby girl nowhere else to go
It's hard to see right when all you've done is wrong
Hard to hang on when all you got is gone
This cowboy life gave me a heart of stone
This cowboy life tore up our home
This cowboy life is all I've ever known
This cowboy life has left me all alone

Never thought it would happen like this
Never thought it was you I'd miss
Came around and touched my soul
I put all my plans on hold
Everything is falling down
Thought you would have come around
Can't you see what's goin' on?
It's so hard to hang on

When I start to fall asleep
I think of how we used to be
You're in my heart you're in my soul
You're everything I've ever known
I think about you all the time
Don't you know that I'd give my life
To have you stand next to me
Right here by my side

Where did we go wrong? What did we do right?
Tell me it's alright to push our pride aside
Life without you ain't what I thought it would be
When you lying there with here do you ever wish it was me?
Can you forgive me for everything I did and didn't do?
Understand this way of life is all I ever knew
I was raised to be tough, keep my feelings inside
Never to back down, all you have is your pride
I know what it takes to cover the whole eight
But being a one woman man was never part of my plan
Life without love is just another sad song
Doin' all that I can but it's hard to hang on

All we have in life is love
But you never even gave me none
So now I'm standing on my own
Don't really care if you ever come home

Show Me

I don't get attached. I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me you're not all the same. No, your words don't mean shit to me. No, I don't trust you. No, I don't believe you. Promises are nothing but empty words to me. I know I'm not your one and only so don't tell me I am. No, my smile doesn't make your day. No, my laughter isn't music to your ears. No, I'm not too good to be true, so start with the truth. If I'm what you want, show me why and show me often. Tell me you love me, but only if you mean it.

What is there truly left to say?

All we ever had was all we'll ever be. This, like every relationship, had an expiration date, and I fully believe we have hit that date. It's a date like a due date, you know about when it's gonna happen, but you never really know until the moment is upon you, and then it hits you like a log truck. And leaves you either overjoyed or in lots of little splintery pieces. This is not one of those times it leaves you overjoyed and celebratory. It's one of those time when you struggle to fall asleep and then struggle just as much to get out of bed the next morning. Going to sleep is a chore, a chore plagued with nightmares and uneasy fantasies that are never quite "right." Waking up is a challenge, a choice to either pull the covers back over your head and allow yourself to live how you feel or to get up and put on that fake smile and fake that I don't give a damn attitude. So, you get up, eventually...

You're always tired, angry, bitter, and lonely; you're never really sure what you want to do; you're never eager about anything; you just exist. Existing is easy when everyone around you is absorbed in bigger problems than your own, its makes it easier to put on a smile, it's even easier when there are people relying on you to be the happy stable one. It still sucks though, never getting to be the one that pouts and gets away with it with out a lot of hassle. But you make due and keep busy with frivolous things, anything to keep your mind off that expired relationship. The relationship that sits in the back of your head like rotting fruit in the back of the fridge. You know it's there. You know it's gone bad. But you can't quite get around to throwing it out. It's seriously starting to stink up the place though, and I guess it's time to get rid of it.

So, I guess this is goodbye, my love. It's time to take out the garbage.

Wild Thing

Have you ever justed wanted to howl at the moon? Run around outside like a completely wild creature? I have. The urge overcomes me on a regular basis, usually late at night when everyone else in the house is asleep. That's one of the things I really miss about South Carolina, being able to just walk out my back door and into the woods. There was enough woods and land I could put on jeans, a hoodie, and boots at 2:30 in the morning and disappear for an hour making as much noise as I wanted and frolic in the forest. Living in a neighborhood is new to me, and you can't exactly go climb your neighbors wall and make creepy animal noises because you feel like it, ya know? Don't think I haven't thought about doing it anyways, but I don't think my best friend and her husband would be too happy about having reports of a strange animal living in their yard. So I guess I just keep it in, and try to find some new kind of outlet for my inner wild thing... maybe I should take up quilting.

Sweets! Nom nom!